Will I be able to write this post?

I am writing a post after about a year and the reason why I write today is quite an important one for me. And although I intend to it to be more of a confession, it is a atleast in disguise- A test to check if I can really write something on my own-think and write on my own- am I creative in the sense that I'm not a mere mimic. So only time will reveal the truth- but if I shall be able to post this one, it will be quite a beginning for me- to start trusting myself on my individuality and independence.

So, how was this dragon of suspicion unleashed?
I ve been reading this book- Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence- over half way through. The author was discussing his past years, when he was a schizophrenic - or as far as I can tell a different person altogether- An advocate of the Church of Reason- a character whom he refers to as Phaedrus.

Phaedrus - a staunch rationalist Professor of English- taking the processs of reason itself for granted- tried to integrate his entire world into the fabric of reason- by spending a lot of energy thinking and trying to resolve contradictions- sadly,unsuccessfuly.

Everything went all right until the day he stumbled upon this concept of 'Quality' - but he failed to reduce it to a concept- an entity which you can slice seperate with the knife of objectivity and then examine it- suspending it in vacuum. He says you cannot define Quality for the same reason.And this line of thinking is what triggered his madness- which I believe (as I havent read that far) and taking it to the hilt- where he lost his mind entirely- along with wealth, family and relationships.

So, when he was trying to discuss this with his students he tries- as a rationalist must- to justify his stand on the issue of Quality. He says that all kinds of creativity,innovation and original thought-even hypothesising in science- have their origin in our ability to snese and produce 'Quality'.

He asks one of his students to write an essay of 500 words on the town Bozeman. her mind went bonkers- she couldnt figure out what to write,where to start and what to ignore. So,when she came confused to him, he asked her to write an essay on The Main Street in Bozeman. she could nt do that as well. Then he asks her to write an essay on the topmost-left brick in front of a particular building in Bozeman.

She came back to him with an essay of 5000 words with a truly original personal account. This is getting a bit lengthy, anyways- He says that she could do that only when she could realize that she could have a fresh first hand experience of visiting the place and writing an account.-Otherwise all she could do was imitate something already on her mind, fed in by books,peers ,teachers etc and she could do that because she could choose what to write and what not to write.

Robert says - Robert Pirsig the Author of the book- that this habit of imitation is an evil, a result of external compulsion- it kills our oneness with quality- our potential to create on our own something fresh,original,personal, individual.

I think I ve gone a little to far into this-like Phaedrus but without going anymore further, I must conclude, that I could on my own conclude this post, giving me a hint that I could write and not merely copy or imitate. I intend to do a lot more of writing in this near future and will descibe my experience of reading the rest of the book, as well.